I try to convince myself that I am a strong, independent, sexy, woman, but every once in a while (ok, who am I kidding, most of the time!), I find myself in situations that cast doubt over that assertion. I’m just not very good at lying to myself, I suppose.
Most recently, I found myself questioning my ability to feel that way when I was talking with my beau of five years. Usually he makes me feel amazing about myself, but this time I was showing him something I had written. Something I hadn’t shown anyone else – I hadn’t even told anyone I was writing it! Something I was proud of. Something in the romance genre. Which is where I fall apart.
I’m not very good at the whole romance thing. Don’t get me wrong – I can write about stolen glances and secret desires with no problem! Showing those words to someone? Even the most supportive person in my life? Nerve. Wracking. To. The. Max.
I mean, I can barely show any sort of affection in public – even after dating the same person for five years! I’m just not comfortable with it. And I wish I were. I would love to be that adorable couple in love that just cheers you up when you see them. But when it comes to actually being that couple? Ha. Good luck.
I’m scared of romance. I don’t know why. There’s no reason for it. In my head, I’m perfectly fine with it. I read romance novels, I love me some good chick flicks, heck I’m writing a romance! But when it comes to showing it outwardly, I simply can’t do it.
As my beau will tell you, he’s been working on this problem for years – ever since he met me, he and my college roommates have been working on getting me to demonstrate any emotion. Took us quite a while to just hold hands in public.
But this isn’t to try to analyze my issues (though if you have any thoughts, feel free to share!). Rather, this is my formal statement that I am going to try to do better at expressing my feelings in a public sphere rather than being scared off.
Will you help me?